Another Day

So things have been pretty worrisome lately. I lost my job the other day. So that great. I've been searching for jobs but there's not much out there. On the brighter side, my friend wants to go to veterinary school with me. So I think that's great! I applied for unemployment and hopefully I'll be able to get my W2 soon so I can apply for my tax refund and that money should keep us afloat until unemployment money kicks in. I'll have enough money to cover February's rent. So I'll still have a place which is very important. They're are trying to cut my food stamps too so I'm going downtown to give them all the information that they need. The only thing I don't have is proof of pregnancy which I really do need.
I've been praying a lot lately. For my baby because I stress so much and because I desperately want me and Ej to be together and to be a family.  I also prayed for a job and car. I don't normally pray. I'm actually afraid of religion. I believe in spirituality and building a relationship with god. I'm still skeptical of anything regarding god, and Jesus. I grew up a Jehovah Witness and it was awful. My parents as my grandma said beat us over the head with the bible. Honestly I grew to not like anything regarding religion because of them. I only know it in a negative light. I also went to Ej's church and he's Pentecostal and they speak in tongues and its frightening. Not to mention it was the first time I'd seen it and he decided to do it. I was actually disgusted by it all. It felt wrong. So never again. They also kept trying to get me to try it and help Ej get the holy ghost..... keep in mind I grew up a Jehovah witness. No I don't want to try that! So that was a great first experience. Ej then told me we couldn't be together unless I joined him and I felt like that was unfair. I want to find my own spiritual journey, not be forced into another religion.  So yeah.  I've been praying anyway. I've been praying, wishing, hoping and stressing. No real sign of anything but I prayed for patience so we shall see.

So about G, my daughters father.... I know he came to help but between the stress and pregnancy hormones, I can't stand him. I  don't want him to touch me, breathe on me, eat near me. The shit he says irritates me. Ugh he's so annoying. It hurts his feeling but I can't help it. I'm being a bitch to him I know but I seriously can't help it. The only man who I can deal with is Ej and he's m.i.a.  Speaking of pregnancy I am in love with this baby. I was really distant toward my first pregnancy and worried so I didn't get fall in love right away. (I will tell the story of my first pregnancy no worries.) I can't wait to feel him kick and move. I can almost wait to see him though cause I'm not ready for him yet. This week is going by slow. I can't wait till I get to see him(I'm pretty sure its a boy) in my ultrasound! I also can't wait to my next appointment so I can hear his little heart beat. I also need to talk to my Dr. about my obvious depression and anxiety. Someone said the omega 3 vitamins and Vitamin D is good for a mood lifter so I'm going to try them. I don't eat well because I'm so depressed and sad and I honestly want to just lay in bed and forget everything. I have ups and downs. Some days are better than others. G actually had me call a therapist because I need to talk to someone. He thinks its affecting my life. It kind of is. I got really sick at work and threw up because I was so anxious and then I always wanted to cry at work. Then the reason I lost my job I missed the bus because I was distracted by my thoughts of Ej and being really sad, I didn't see the bus roll up. Its a big ass bus I don't know how I didn't see it but I didn't. Anyway I'm trying to concentrate on me and my babies, and not so much of Ej, its hard but I have to. I haven't started my book but, Alena and G are sleeping at his mom's house tonight so hopefully I can get some done. I'm actually going to turn in early tonight.  Buenos Noches.