Acceptance

So today I have realized that me and Ej, It's never going to happen. He's moved on he's happy. There will never be an us again. It hurts but its a relief too. I'm done wishing, I'm done praying. Ej believed that I wished bad things upon him but I never did. I imagined doing bad stuff but never wished on a star or prayed to god that the worst would happen. He's gone and Ive accepted that. I wont be an evil baby momma either. We'll take a paternity test and if he is and decides he wants to be a dad so be it. I feel like crying but I feel as though I can get through this now, accepting that it will never be. I'm sure he's found his forever girl. Maybe I will find the one but I'm not ready. Honestly I want to cry. I dreamt about him yesterday. We had sex but we didnt finish I dont know why. I'm just sad. I don't hate him anymore. On a brighter note I got a job. I'm going to work at a Vet hospital. Something I've always wanted to do. Its the perfect job. Good hours and down the street from where I live. Now all I have to figure out is daycare. Congrats to me!

Been feeling a little down lately. I don't know why but I do.  I've been really tired lately and I had a bad headache the other day.  I think I just need time to relax and sometime by myself. I'm sure Alena has been exhausting me. I have almost no energy to keep up with a toddler.  Yesterday I had friends over to keep me company. My friend Jazmine didn't come over cause she wanted to bring her boyfriend, and I didn't want him to come over. I just want to hang out with her. Not her and her boyfriend.   It sucks she didn't come but I wasn't expecting her to.  I had fun with the people who did come. We played cards watched movies and talked.  Alena loved it. So many people to give her attention.  Alena is usually awesome around a lot of people. I had an interview at a Vet hospital. It was fun. I enjoyed it I just hope that I can get the job. It's only $9 an hour but it's something.  It'll get me closer to my job career so I'm not complaining. I find out later this week if I'll get the job. It's close too,  it's only 7 mins from my house on the bus. All I need to figure out is where Alena is going to go.  I'll be praying for a close and good daycare. Fingers crossed.

Kick kick hooray

Been feeling better.  A lot of my friend's are helping me through this emotional roller-coaster.  So I actually feel pretty good.  The only time I feel kinda down is when I think a him and his girlfriend and when I feel the baby move.  He's going to regret not being to feel these kicks and pokes. Smh He should have been around even if he really thinks it's not his atleast till we know for sure because his conscience would be clean and if its his then he knows he was there for everything.  He's such an idiot for not knowing it's his.  Infertile my ass.  I'm pregnant!  Your not that Infertile.   Ugh I can't wait to have this baby so he can realize what a dumb ass he is.  On a positive note I feel the baby kick every day they are soft little kicks but so cute and I can feel them when I put my hand on my tummy.  Alena's is doing well too she walks everywhere.  Still adorable the still exhausting lol. Well I've been nurse this headache all day so I'm going to sleep.  Good night.

Down in the dumps

I'm in one of those moods. The I feel like shit moods.  I just feel lonely. They say you should spend time with yourself and love yourself,  but ugh it's so fucking boring.  I hate being by myself because I'm alone with my thoughts.  Thoughts of him,  mostly.  The pills I got were working but I think today my mind wants to be sad.  I'm so sick of winter too.  I want to go outside with my daughter and watch her play.  Honestly I just want to get January over because then we'll be closer to spring,  I'll see my ultrasound and February is a short month. Oh and income tax too. I'm still searching for another job also. I'm just looking for my luck to change.  I hate knowing he's happy, and everything is going right, and he's got someone to keep his bed warm but,  I sleep by myself and I have no job, no money, and it doesn't matter how much I pray nothing is happening. I have friends but that's not who I want to spend my day with.  My daughter is walking a lot now. Up until 3 days ago she only walked a little bit and not for very long but now she walks everywhere.  It's so funny.  I think she knows mommy is sad I try to stay happy for her but it's tough.  On the bright side I started writing my book yesterday. Honestly I don't know where this book is going but I guess we'll see where my imagination takes me. I just ran a bath and got a face mask to relax me a bit. I'm going on take another supplement and after Alena goes to sleep I'll take a relaxing bath.  Bye for now.

Another Day

So things have been pretty worrisome lately. I lost my job the other day. So that great. I've been searching for jobs but there's not much out there. On the brighter side, my friend wants to go to veterinary school with me. So I think that's great! I applied for unemployment and hopefully I'll be able to get my W2 soon so I can apply for my tax refund and that money should keep us afloat until unemployment money kicks in. I'll have enough money to cover February's rent. So I'll still have a place which is very important. They're are trying to cut my food stamps too so I'm going downtown to give them all the information that they need. The only thing I don't have is proof of pregnancy which I really do need.
I've been praying a lot lately. For my baby because I stress so much and because I desperately want me and Ej to be together and to be a family.  I also prayed for a job and car. I don't normally pray. I'm actually afraid of religion. I believe in spirituality and building a relationship with god. I'm still skeptical of anything regarding god, and Jesus. I grew up a Jehovah Witness and it was awful. My parents as my grandma said beat us over the head with the bible. Honestly I grew to not like anything regarding religion because of them. I only know it in a negative light. I also went to Ej's church and he's Pentecostal and they speak in tongues and its frightening. Not to mention it was the first time I'd seen it and he decided to do it. I was actually disgusted by it all. It felt wrong. So never again. They also kept trying to get me to try it and help Ej get the holy ghost..... keep in mind I grew up a Jehovah witness. No I don't want to try that! So that was a great first experience. Ej then told me we couldn't be together unless I joined him and I felt like that was unfair. I want to find my own spiritual journey, not be forced into another religion.  So yeah.  I've been praying anyway. I've been praying, wishing, hoping and stressing. No real sign of anything but I prayed for patience so we shall see.

So about G, my daughters father.... I know he came to help but between the stress and pregnancy hormones, I can't stand him. I  don't want him to touch me, breathe on me, eat near me. The shit he says irritates me. Ugh he's so annoying. It hurts his feeling but I can't help it. I'm being a bitch to him I know but I seriously can't help it. The only man who I can deal with is Ej and he's m.i.a.  Speaking of pregnancy I am in love with this baby. I was really distant toward my first pregnancy and worried so I didn't get fall in love right away. (I will tell the story of my first pregnancy no worries.) I can't wait to feel him kick and move. I can almost wait to see him though cause I'm not ready for him yet. This week is going by slow. I can't wait till I get to see him(I'm pretty sure its a boy) in my ultrasound! I also can't wait to my next appointment so I can hear his little heart beat. I also need to talk to my Dr. about my obvious depression and anxiety. Someone said the omega 3 vitamins and Vitamin D is good for a mood lifter so I'm going to try them. I don't eat well because I'm so depressed and sad and I honestly want to just lay in bed and forget everything. I have ups and downs. Some days are better than others. G actually had me call a therapist because I need to talk to someone. He thinks its affecting my life. It kind of is. I got really sick at work and threw up because I was so anxious and then I always wanted to cry at work. Then the reason I lost my job I missed the bus because I was distracted by my thoughts of Ej and being really sad, I didn't see the bus roll up. Its a big ass bus I don't know how I didn't see it but I didn't. Anyway I'm trying to concentrate on me and my babies, and not so much of Ej, its hard but I have to. I haven't started my book but, Alena and G are sleeping at his mom's house tonight so hopefully I can get some done. I'm actually going to turn in early tonight.  Buenos Noches.

Songs Explain Everything: Changes

Eminem - Going through changes lyrics Recovery: http://youtu.be/Tto9o8hTl8I

In loving Memory

Scroll
Click
Our smiling faces smile back at me
Scroll
Click
A picture of us holding each other close
My adoring smile
Scroll
Scroll
Click
Memories of your smile
Your beautiful soul holding eyes
Remebering me running my fingers through you hair
 Scroll....
I hover over this picture
Memories of our lips embracing each other
The feel of your hands on my body
The lip biting
The neck biting
Our loves embrace

Click

They're only memories now
Memories that haunt me
Memories that never seem to leave
Memories that are always followed by pain
Memories that need to go  away


Delete.

Loving and Growing

Yesterday was nice. I went to the mall with my daughters dad, her grandma and aunt. He had me go out even though I don't really feel like it. I bought quite a bit of stuff and I havent been able to buy myself much of anything lately. I was so happy. I got myself a coat and I got lucky because a lot of the stores had sales and i got two shirts for five dollars from Aeropostale and a $50 coat and i bought a sweater too but it was free! I've needed a coat for forever and I finnally got one and I don't have to be so cold at work anymore since my overweight manager and menopausal co-worker like the store to be borderline freezing as though its not cold enough outside. I also got a couple of belly rings and tongue rings.

My daughters father has been here for a couple days. Its been weird. He's here to help me deal with my ex better and its a little awkward. No we haven't had sex. Honestly the thought of Ej is the only thing that turns me on and that only makes me even sadder. he hasnt texted me in two days and I havent texted him. Him and Sarah are very into each other and I'm guessing he's just moving on from me completely. It's both heartbreaking and angering but I have to move on from this. I've been thinking about focusing on getting myself together. Trying to get my hair done every couple weeks and keep my toes nice. Waxing when needed. I need to pamper myself because I havent in months.

My daughter is growing up so fast. Shes growing everyday and I see her personality become more apparent. It's awesome. I worry about taking care of two and making sure they're on the right track. I almost never see her cause I'm working and that bothers me. I need a good job with good hours. I'm sorry I'm not the type to settle for just any job unless absolutely neccessary. I can't wait to feel this baby move around and kick. I feel a little bit but sometimes, I'm not a hundred percent sure.

So hopefully I can start writing my book this week. We'll see.

The two lovers

She's perfect Not in beauty but maybe in mind The perfect maiden for your life She pleases your family Her child loves you so dear You two join in my dreams Your budding ties A love bloom She must give you the love you need She has age on me Not so messy Everything I wasn't she is What a blessing I should say I'm glad your happy I'm not Your love tortures me and our unborn child It makes my heart sick And my mind mad My soul still yearns for your touch My body still craves yours I hate your existence I would give anything to rid my mind of the memories. I am forced to watch, to dream, to know that I have lost you

Dear Lord

My heart beats of lost love My belly swells with child From the man who denies both mother and child Who my daughter first learned heartbreak His God he serves Another woman he protects If God exists does he smile upon this man. Is God satisfied with his way of life For Lord he does praise your name Takes in your holy spirit Oh God I know ive done wrong But must you take away my love Must I suffer for all the sins I've done This must be punishment For he prosper and has found new love Must my heart cry every day Must the little life in me suffer with me in my pain Because Lord I'm drowning in tears and pain I never escape from him So this pain never ends

Songs Explain Everything: Stingray Affliction

Issues - Stingray Affliction (Official Music Vide…: http://youtu.be/nn55oxf6gCg

Exercise ONE

Author Exercises 

What is your Vision for your book and yourself as an author?

Honestly I want this to reach people and help other kids like me. I know so many people plagued by nightmares! How do you face them. The dream world is an amazing place! You wouldn't believe how much there is too it. What do some of them mean? Between Lucid, out of body, and regular nightmares the mind is a crazy thing. Not only do I want to learn more about it I want others to feel more comfortable about what they go through. I want to start a stepping stone of helping others and this is a fun way to start who knows where this will go?

How serious and committed are you to writing?

I need to learn discipline and this is a great way to start? This is for me and my babies. I also want to prove people wrong about me especially those who see me going nowhere. I work at sbux for chrisake.I think its time i step up my game!

How much time are you willing to spend each day? Each weeks?

I hope to write a little something each day especially after work since I have to wait for the bus everyday. Its the best time because I'm away from the baby and I can really get stuff done. So about 20 mins a day five days a week minimum.

I commit to 20 minutes per day to work on my book.

I commit to 5 days per week to work on my book.

                        Signed Angel Coleman.

What will you do to prepare. What actions are going to take that will get you closer to your book.

Google will be my best friend also other peoples experiences. Ill be asking a lot of questions.

Outcome for this book

I want this to be a number one seller! I want to feel accomplished, I want to reach a goal, I want to finish something. I want to see this book at libraries I want kids to be talking about it. I want to help someone!

Purpose

I want to prove everyone wrong no one See's me going to much of anywhere and I want to make a career out of this. I want this to be an inspiration to my kids. I want to hear them say "That's my mommy" "My mommy writes books". I want this to heal my broken heart.

Once upon a time.....

So I have three dreams: One be an awesome mom. Two become a Vet Tech (and work with a holistic veterinarian) Three, become a New York time bestseller. I'm working on two of the three. (Awesome mom and NTB) I'm writing a book!! Inspired by my awesome ex boyfriend of recent (fuck you btw) I want to write a book. Not about love but about nightmares. I started writing it in high school and I have wanted to desperately finish. Stay tuned people. I am using this book this book for help(I will not expose my secret.... for now) So I will be uploading my excersises on my blog. A reminder to me and maybe a little help for some. <3

Songs Explain Everything

This is what I'm going to be focusing on to get me through everything.

Taylor Swift - Shake It Off: http://youtu.be/nfWlot6h_JM

Songs Explain Everything: Habits

Tove Lo - Habits (Stay High): http://youtu.be/oh2LWWORoiM

Habits

Today I didn't go to work.  The wind chill was in the double negatives.  So I called off. I hope I won't get in too much trouble but it's too cold for my daughter and me to be standing outside. I learned that lesson Tuesday.  Today had its downfall. You know it's hard being pregnant and your significant other pretty much sticks his middle finger at you and walks away with another bitch. Yeah that shit sucks. So I cried for a really long time today. I've been so messed up about everything my daughters dad is actually coming tommorow to help me out mentally. Did I mention her dad and I were best friends before everything. Well he's leaving base to come out here for me. That is amazing.  I'm honestly excited because he makes everything better and he'll help out with my daughter and watch her while I'm at work and I could use the mental break.  Now your probably wondering if I'm still in love with him.  No I'm not but,  I still and always will care about him.  Right now I'm still madly in love with my ex but he's made it clear that he has no interest in me or us getting together.  So I will use what's left of my heart and love my babies. I'm sure loving them will heal my heart in time. Honestly if it wasn't for EJ being a super jerk I would be more excited about this baby but I'm slowly falling in love with my little nugget and I'm eagerly awaiting for kicks and tumbles. I always felt I could connect with Alena when she started kicking and if I was upset she would move around and press on my tummy and that always made me feel better.  EJ sent me this message it was some lyrics:   
Never thought that I would feel like this.
Such a mess when I'm in your presence.
I've... Had enough. Think you've been making me sick.
Gotta get you out of my system
It's my house. I think it's time to get out.
It's my soul. It isn't yours anymore. Isn't yours anymore.

Now I'm glad I didn't break down like I have been doing, which I'm proud. Pat on the back to me. Why would you send me this as though all your actions and even some of your text messages in the past two weeks haven't told me enough about how your not mine and you  don't want to be around me.  Like please stop sending me bull shit.

On another topic I've made a promising to myself that I won't sleep with anyone if we're not together and in love. My sex life gets me in trouble and in situations like this and I'm not about that anymore. Well it's getting close to bed time. I'm hoping for a smooth day tommorow .  Good Night blogging world.

Do you want to build a Snowman?

So my day wasn't the best. It was cold as hell outside. Like 15 degress and a windchill of 1. There was a lake affect snow warning so the roads were kind of bad. Well my bad luck started when the bus was late. Yay.... So guess who was late to work? This girl! So then I drag me and my fussy daughter first to her baby sitter and then myself to work. By the time I get to work my toes are numb, my skin is stinging from the cold and I'm shivering almost violently. I was crying on my way to work so I'm pretty sure I looked fantastic. Well my boss is clearly pissed ( I'm surprised I still have a job) she puts me on register. I keep it together for like a half hour(barely), and then I go into the back and cry my eyes out. It was pretty sad actually. I'm crying because I have a broken heart, I'm crying because I hate being in this bitter cold, I'm crying because I'm late to work again, I'm crying because I'm trying and I don't want to let me and my babies down. I'm an emotional wreck but, I'm starting to gaina nice circle of support. I will tell all about some great stuff that happened yesterday, but first I must once again trek through the snow and cold to get my wonderful and beautiful daughter. <3

When Love Turns To Hatred

Today wasn't one of my better days. So remember my Ex the one who's baby I'm pregnant with? Well I'm unfortunately still in love with him. Well he likes someone else. Her name is Sarah and well that's his new boo. They get really cozy on instagram. They go to church together and he adores her daughter. He spends most of his time with her. He told me likes her but says they're not together because he's still in love with me. I think he just wants me willingly out of the picture. He tells me he cares about me but I'm out here with his unborn child and my daughter he claims he loves in the cold while he takes wild rides with her. He actually takes Sarah's daughter places for Sarah.  It's depressing. Now he has a good reason for not being with me. I don't want him to sleep with me spend a few hours with me but spend most of your time with her. Honestly I'm so angry. I hate him so much. He's actually left my house to spend time with her. Talk about heartbroken. He's made it clear that there will never be an us. Not to mention that he tells me he wants to be here for the baby but can't even tell me that if he's feeling well(We'll get to that part too) he'll be there at my labor and delivery. Its like pulling teeth to get him to appointments. I can't even talk to him about silly little baby things, like what should we name the baby, do you want a boy or girl. I didn't have my daughters dad with me either when I got pregnant (he was there when I gave birth though :) )because he's in the military. This time someone who I really didn't think would leave, and who I thought would care, doesn't. It doesn't matter how much he says he WANTS too as he would say his action's aren't proving so. He tells me he's busy. That's why he doesn't talk to me. Yeah your fucking busy with Sarah. Yesterday a customer came up to the counter and she looked similar to Sarah and I don't know it was weird i I think i might have given her a weird look because she stopped smiling at me. A little piece kinda broke and I almost started crying. I really want to punch him in his face so hard and break his nose. I can't because he knows how to fight but I just want to get one hit. So this has been on my mind for the past two months. Cry me a river.

It's too Damn Early.

I'm at work. As an overview I work at Starbucks. I currently hate working here. Moving on..... My daughter is with my friend. I have a love/hate relationship with my friends. Like with this one she relay's her sex life to me and desperately wants to be pregnant. In my opinion I don't know why she wants to get pregnant do you see the struggle I have. You live with your mom, the guy you fuck isn't your boyfriend and has no interest in taking it any farther than fuck buddy, but she wants to desperately get pregnant by him. Love in its craziest form. Sometimes I seriously want to choke her. I'm sure it has to do with the fact that she feels like can't get pregnant but your 22 live your life then have a kid. Be selfish for a few more years until your tired of spoiling yourself. That's just me though. Anyway She dropped me off 2 hours early which I'm not mad about because one it's harder for me to be late to work, two its cold as fuck and I'm glad I don't have to take the bus with my one year old daughter, and three I get to do this. On the down side I barely slept thinking about my most recent ex, and his current crush. ( Omg our story is on a whole new level I'll get to that point later.) Plus I'm expecting (baby number two) and my belly is getting bigger and its getting uncomfortable to sleep ( I didn't have this problem with my first *sigh*).  I also talked to my baby's dad (Unfortunately I have two baby fathers.... shit happens)  about random shit cause he's like my therapist until 11pm. So I'm tired as hell. Anyway more stories to come. Later for Now. <3

Intro: Proceed With Caution

I'm entering back into the blogging world. I'm a 21 year old young mother. I work and try to have a young adult life as much as I can. My life is far from normal. Its pretty crazy. I have that type of life where I constantly say of course that would happen to me. My life is a dramatic comedy like a Tyler perry movie. I fuck up a lot so my stories can be really sad but it's hilarious because crazy shit always happens. Anyway I'll be ranting about my exes, my kids, society and my fucked up family. Enjoy with caution.  Happy Reading.

Disclaimer: If your friends or family, read at your own risk. Unless your my mom then please read on.