Salina Picture #3

Visiting Japan

Swear getting over EJ is so hard.  I dream about him every night in some way. Last night I was going on a trip to Japan. I was walking in the woods to a cabin maybe to meet some people EJ was there in the woods with a few girls but he was ignoring me.  Then I got to the airport and boarded my plane and he called me. I don't remember what he said but he seemed worried. I  was a little cold to him and he's like are you really going to act like this. I paused and I  told him that I love him. That I love him so much. He said some other stuff I can't remember but then the plane was ready to take off and he told me to be careful and I told him I had to go and I'd call him when I got there.  He was there in my dream almost like he was in the background.  This dream was more vivid than usual. The trip to Japan seemed like fun. I only got so far in the dream but I did get so far as to being in a Japanese store.  I never seem to fully escape from him.  My friends think I should talk to a therapist.  Maybe I'm going crazy. I don't know. I just want it to stop. I  don't want to think about him.  I want to forget the memories.  I want to move on. Like he did. He moved on so fast. I know that he's happy with her too.  Everything is going good in my life except this.  It makes it hard to be happy. 

Money, Money, Money

So as a single my mom with a single income is money.  As of late it's been a struggle. I'm hoping that it won't last too long. My income tax should be coming soon and hopefully it should jump start us. I'll have plenty of money to save and even more money to build on especially for the new baby. I even get to treat me and the baby girl. $2,000 is being saved for a car so I can get one before next winter.  Everything else will be bills and maybe $200 to splurge. I can't wait this will help so much. My little one is growing so fast. I'll post pictures. I've got a name picked out. Oh btw I'm having a girl. Lol A house full of girls who knew.  Her name will be Salina Arya. I'm don't know what her last name will be. Either mine or EJ.   We'll see.  Probably my last name.   Speaking of EJ I haven't heard from him at all. It's been over a month.  I  always wonder does he ever think of her.  Or wonder how she's doing. He probably tries not too.  Keeps reminding himself it's not his.  My little Salina.  It's makes me sad.  In one of the ultrasound pictures she's got her fists up like she's ready to fight. That reminded me of him.  She looks like she will look like me.  I guess we shall see.  I have another ultrasound coming up in a couple weeks to check her heart. Along with some prenatal appointments. I'm excited to see her again. I'll have another ultrasound to do in 9 weeks.  No problems with her heart everything looks good so far. 

Still on my mind.

I've been feeling really good lately. I have my down days but I've been doing well emotionally. I still think about Ej everyday. I don't have bad dreams about him, but he pops up sometimes. Him and my unborn child. I still miss him everyday. I always think about him before I go to sleep. I read our messages sometimes, and I catch myself wishing he was here to see how well I've been doing. When the baby kicks I wish he was here. I think about us together and other times I get angry about how he's gone. I know he's doing well though. Sometimes I can see myself moving on other times I just don't ever want to love anyone. G really wants to be with me. I just can't. Not now anyway. I'm healing which is always good. I was really dissapointed in myself today but, I won't do it again. I'll get over this though. I pray for peace of mind, and I hope for more good days than bad.

They come and go

Ugh so I spent too much money on non-important stuff so I probably won't be able to take my daughter shopping. Fuck. I'm really dissapointed in myself. I was really desperate and i spent to much. No i wasn't gambling. I have to make it up to her. I still have to pay bills though and since I won't be getting paid till next week. I have to make it last. Welcome to adulthood. Making stupid mistakes. My friend Jazmine who's not my friend anymore, pretty much told me off. She's pissed off about her relationship, and I was trying to help her by telling her to leave him. She said she's falling out of love with him. Most of the time I just don't try to give her any advice. I tried to this time and it was the worst thing ever. She's very quick to get rid of friends who she feels had done her wrong.  I told her that she needs to take a break from him. Like there's nothing more painful then being with someone who doesnt love you anymore but still tries to be with you. I told her to give him space. She got pissed like where is he going to go (As though she hasn't kicked him out because she's pissed at him) I told her he would figure it out because he usually finds a way to get what he needs. Hey I'm trying to look out for her. I told her that their relationship is similar to mine and Ej. It really is they just have been together longer and although he hasn't slept with anyone he's flirted with other girls and according to jazmine has done a lot more things that she just hasn't told me about. Ej and Jazmine are very similar. They both hold on to things, don't forgive easily, have trust issues, and are very sensitive. They both are controlling and know how to make their significant other feel like shit. Jazmine has took a turn not for the best. She started smoking cigs, smoking pot, stopped going to school, and drinks a lot, she told me because ellis stresses her out a lot. She complains how he never helps with bills. She said I'm a horrible friend, and I don't answer her calls. Said I've always been a bad friend but thought it was just because she's so pissed at ellis that she thought she saw bad shit in everyone. I don't answer her calls cause I hate talking on the phone, she seriously calls me like 5 times a day. While I'm at work, and several times after that. Its annoying. Ive invited her over and she was suppose to come over this past weekend but I didnt get a phone call from her, but she said she called but I got nothing so she said she went home. She shouldve just texted me. She got mad when I told her that our relationships where similar and said that Ej always kept me out of the loop on his feelings and that she tells him how she feels. I don't know if thats true or not but I told her that Ellis doesnt always tell her stuff because Ellis has told Ej some stuff that he probably didn't tell her. That instantly pissed her off and told me I shouldnt say stuff like that and told me to stay out of her life. Honestly She doesn't tell me what Ej says about me. Like she's told me things he said months ago now and I know there's other things she hasn't told me. She also tells Ej what I say to her. Like everything I say to her she tells him so I stoped telling her stuff. So she goes on a rampage on how I'm always losing people, and I'm ungrateful and selfish and how I always ask for stuff and I how she doesn't ever ask anything from me. I don't always ask for things. She is usually the last person I ask for things , I've asked for diapers and a ride home and help getting food. I try to invite her over to hang out and I listen to her when I do talk to her. I havent wanted to hang out anyone since me and Ej and I havent been wanting to talk to anyone. She knows that. Its been nothing personal. Honestly she's been annoying me since I've been pregnant and so I'm sure any attitude mostly hormones. I'm not upset she's done this before and honestly it wasn't easy keeping her as a friend I felt like I was walking on eggshells with her feelings. I hate when I have to be careful around what I say around my friends. Its exhausting because you have to pick your words carefully so you don't piss them off. I'll get better friends. I havent had a good friend in awhile that I've had a good connection with. I appreciate what people do for me but I'm not in the best position to offer anything other than my company. I'm not good at expressing my feelings eithier but I try. I'm just going to let her go. I don't need any extr stess on me and my babies.