And the day came....

So the day came.  On May 8th I gave birth via C Section at 10:13 am to Salina Hazel Coleman.  She was born at 31 weeks.  I went to the hospital for bleeding Thursday morning and although it had pretty much stopped, I was having contractions really close and they were worried about my blood count so they decided on a c section.  She's really strong and she's awesome. She's doing really well.  I emailed EJ the day I gave birth and he replied yesterday told me that if I believe that he's the father,  to do a paternity test. Which is obvious.  Then he said he knows he's not the dad.  That was it.  It's been bothering me all day.  I don't know why I expected him to jump on board. My feelings are hurt too because this just shows how much we don't really matter. I  feel like it's my fault and I deserve this.  I  keep blaming myself because I feel like it's my fault we're not together, at the same time how do I matter so little to someone who I thought cared about me so much?  People said he probably didn't love me but he definitely acted like it.  What am I not seeing that is so obvious to everyone else.  I also don't get why he's so sure it's not his!  We slept together multiple times.  He says he can't have children but why?  She does look like him but he has the ability to make me second guess myself.  Shes got his crooked nose.  I've been feeling really down today when I should just focus on my daughter getting better. Actually that brings me to something else. I feel kind of upset that I didn't have a full term pregnancy. It bothers me for some reason.  I guess I'm upset that nothing went the way I was hoping. I feel like I was doing well and finally Settling into a comfortable place. I was doing job training, and I was started to feel better about EJ.  I don't regret it at all I'm just disappointed and shocked at the turn of events. My little girl is amazing I love her.  I miss Alena too,  I saw her a few times while I've been in the hospital. She's so big and so smart.  She was happy to see me too.   She hasn't met her sister yet. She can't meet her until she gets released which might be awhile.
I don't know what to do at this point. C section requires a month of recovery and   I still don't have a job and I still have bills to pay. What am I supposed to do for a month? :( I'll just keep praying because honestly there's nothing else I can do.

Looking towards the future.

So I'm 6 months into my pregnancy. I'm so excited about the baby!  I've started buying some stuff too.  She's a frequent mover. She moves all the time. Alena is doing well she's back in daycare and she is doing her toddler thing which includes whining, causing messes, temper tantrums, and driving mommy crazy. Kisses and hugs are involved though and so are new cute words. We're working on potty training so she can be potty trained by the time her sister comes.  The pregnancy is not too bad.  I feel great besides being tired a lot.  I'm high risk though. I have complete placenta Previa. Which really worries me.  If my placenta doesn't move by the time I need to deliver I'll need a c section.  I'm also at risk for bleeding too much because of it. I'm supposed to be taking iron pills.  I'm at risk for anemia so if I do bleed too much if my iron and blood count isn't high enough I'll bleed to death.  So yeah that's fun. So besides that pregnancy is fine. Its just as easy if not easier than my last pregnancy, at least physically.  I'm still fighting occasional depression. Still no word from Ej and I'm starting to think I won't be hearing from him till after the baby is born.  Of course I'm still madly in love with him and I think about him everyday but it's becoming easier. Although some days are better than others.  It's like he's dead honestly.  The only thing I've got from him is Memories,  my unborn child and pictures.  Otherwise it's like he never existed.  I'm sure this is what it's like to lose someone to death.   But its almost worse because he's not dead  he's out there and I have no way to see him or speak to him so it's torturous sometimes.   I can't wait to have my baby so I can be very busy and not think about him at all.  On the positive side a friend of Ejs family is supporting my pregnancy and is about excited as me about her.  Which I'm very happy about.   I worry about caring for two babies and being a single mom. All I can hope for is extra help with Alena.  My financial situation isn't the best and I really do need a two bedroom apartment.  Things will work out.  Still the countdown to my pregnancy is exciting. 

Salina Picture #3

Visiting Japan

Swear getting over EJ is so hard.  I dream about him every night in some way. Last night I was going on a trip to Japan. I was walking in the woods to a cabin maybe to meet some people EJ was there in the woods with a few girls but he was ignoring me.  Then I got to the airport and boarded my plane and he called me. I don't remember what he said but he seemed worried. I  was a little cold to him and he's like are you really going to act like this. I paused and I  told him that I love him. That I love him so much. He said some other stuff I can't remember but then the plane was ready to take off and he told me to be careful and I told him I had to go and I'd call him when I got there.  He was there in my dream almost like he was in the background.  This dream was more vivid than usual. The trip to Japan seemed like fun. I only got so far in the dream but I did get so far as to being in a Japanese store.  I never seem to fully escape from him.  My friends think I should talk to a therapist.  Maybe I'm going crazy. I don't know. I just want it to stop. I  don't want to think about him.  I want to forget the memories.  I want to move on. Like he did. He moved on so fast. I know that he's happy with her too.  Everything is going good in my life except this.  It makes it hard to be happy. 

Money, Money, Money

So as a single my mom with a single income is money.  As of late it's been a struggle. I'm hoping that it won't last too long. My income tax should be coming soon and hopefully it should jump start us. I'll have plenty of money to save and even more money to build on especially for the new baby. I even get to treat me and the baby girl. $2,000 is being saved for a car so I can get one before next winter.  Everything else will be bills and maybe $200 to splurge. I can't wait this will help so much. My little one is growing so fast. I'll post pictures. I've got a name picked out. Oh btw I'm having a girl. Lol A house full of girls who knew.  Her name will be Salina Arya. I'm don't know what her last name will be. Either mine or EJ.   We'll see.  Probably my last name.   Speaking of EJ I haven't heard from him at all. It's been over a month.  I  always wonder does he ever think of her.  Or wonder how she's doing. He probably tries not too.  Keeps reminding himself it's not his.  My little Salina.  It's makes me sad.  In one of the ultrasound pictures she's got her fists up like she's ready to fight. That reminded me of him.  She looks like she will look like me.  I guess we shall see.  I have another ultrasound coming up in a couple weeks to check her heart. Along with some prenatal appointments. I'm excited to see her again. I'll have another ultrasound to do in 9 weeks.  No problems with her heart everything looks good so far. 

Still on my mind.

I've been feeling really good lately. I have my down days but I've been doing well emotionally. I still think about Ej everyday. I don't have bad dreams about him, but he pops up sometimes. Him and my unborn child. I still miss him everyday. I always think about him before I go to sleep. I read our messages sometimes, and I catch myself wishing he was here to see how well I've been doing. When the baby kicks I wish he was here. I think about us together and other times I get angry about how he's gone. I know he's doing well though. Sometimes I can see myself moving on other times I just don't ever want to love anyone. G really wants to be with me. I just can't. Not now anyway. I'm healing which is always good. I was really dissapointed in myself today but, I won't do it again. I'll get over this though. I pray for peace of mind, and I hope for more good days than bad.

They come and go

Ugh so I spent too much money on non-important stuff so I probably won't be able to take my daughter shopping. Fuck. I'm really dissapointed in myself. I was really desperate and i spent to much. No i wasn't gambling. I have to make it up to her. I still have to pay bills though and since I won't be getting paid till next week. I have to make it last. Welcome to adulthood. Making stupid mistakes. My friend Jazmine who's not my friend anymore, pretty much told me off. She's pissed off about her relationship, and I was trying to help her by telling her to leave him. She said she's falling out of love with him. Most of the time I just don't try to give her any advice. I tried to this time and it was the worst thing ever. She's very quick to get rid of friends who she feels had done her wrong.  I told her that she needs to take a break from him. Like there's nothing more painful then being with someone who doesnt love you anymore but still tries to be with you. I told her to give him space. She got pissed like where is he going to go (As though she hasn't kicked him out because she's pissed at him) I told her he would figure it out because he usually finds a way to get what he needs. Hey I'm trying to look out for her. I told her that their relationship is similar to mine and Ej. It really is they just have been together longer and although he hasn't slept with anyone he's flirted with other girls and according to jazmine has done a lot more things that she just hasn't told me about. Ej and Jazmine are very similar. They both hold on to things, don't forgive easily, have trust issues, and are very sensitive. They both are controlling and know how to make their significant other feel like shit. Jazmine has took a turn not for the best. She started smoking cigs, smoking pot, stopped going to school, and drinks a lot, she told me because ellis stresses her out a lot. She complains how he never helps with bills. She said I'm a horrible friend, and I don't answer her calls. Said I've always been a bad friend but thought it was just because she's so pissed at ellis that she thought she saw bad shit in everyone. I don't answer her calls cause I hate talking on the phone, she seriously calls me like 5 times a day. While I'm at work, and several times after that. Its annoying. Ive invited her over and she was suppose to come over this past weekend but I didnt get a phone call from her, but she said she called but I got nothing so she said she went home. She shouldve just texted me. She got mad when I told her that our relationships where similar and said that Ej always kept me out of the loop on his feelings and that she tells him how she feels. I don't know if thats true or not but I told her that Ellis doesnt always tell her stuff because Ellis has told Ej some stuff that he probably didn't tell her. That instantly pissed her off and told me I shouldnt say stuff like that and told me to stay out of her life. Honestly She doesn't tell me what Ej says about me. Like she's told me things he said months ago now and I know there's other things she hasn't told me. She also tells Ej what I say to her. Like everything I say to her she tells him so I stoped telling her stuff. So she goes on a rampage on how I'm always losing people, and I'm ungrateful and selfish and how I always ask for stuff and I how she doesn't ever ask anything from me. I don't always ask for things. She is usually the last person I ask for things , I've asked for diapers and a ride home and help getting food. I try to invite her over to hang out and I listen to her when I do talk to her. I havent wanted to hang out anyone since me and Ej and I havent been wanting to talk to anyone. She knows that. Its been nothing personal. Honestly she's been annoying me since I've been pregnant and so I'm sure any attitude mostly hormones. I'm not upset she's done this before and honestly it wasn't easy keeping her as a friend I felt like I was walking on eggshells with her feelings. I hate when I have to be careful around what I say around my friends. Its exhausting because you have to pick your words carefully so you don't piss them off. I'll get better friends. I havent had a good friend in awhile that I've had a good connection with. I appreciate what people do for me but I'm not in the best position to offer anything other than my company. I'm not good at expressing my feelings eithier but I try. I'm just going to let her go. I don't need any extr stess on me and my babies.